Untitled
by SirenBleedsInsanity
Summary: Squall and Laguna deal with their... "situation," for lack of a better word. Meant to at least partially fill in the gaps of their relationship, or the founding thereof. Let's not just assume they know already ever again, hm?


I hate confrontation. Really, really hate it. Confrontation means I have to be dignified and professional, and being me, that generally leads to more conflict, and then more confrontations and... you get the point. So goes the cycle, so goes politics and my life as President.  
  
But it's worse when you're confronting someone you've abandoned. Someone you've failed, someone you've betrayed, pick whichever word you like. It's all the same, really. I promise you I feel terrible. There were just so many factors, so many things that kept me from finding my son, coming at me from every direction. There's a thousand different things I'm responsible for, a thousand different times I could have tried a little harder. I guess on certain levels I didn't want to find him at all, ever. Seeing him would have reminded me that I could have been there. I could have been in that sun-filled room, holding her hand, helping her through the birth of our baby. The one thing that signified all that we created and would create together.   
  
I didn't even get to help name him. I wonder where she got it?  
  
I miss her so much. All the time, it nags at me - the regrets of leaving, the days I thought I might just turn around and she'd be there. The times I smelled her perfume and knew that maybe if I came a little closer, she'd let me hold her one last time.  
  
It passes, it lingers. It's all so complicated.  
  
However, those complications needed to be smoothed over. For his sake, for my sake. Soon I'd be facing my fears. I'd called them upon me, and I suppose every man must bear out the consequences... face his demons and all that. Well, not to say that my son is a demon. I mean, he's supposed to be my pride and joy, and hey, he did save the world after all-  
  
"Laguna - he's on his way." Kiros was always my savior whether he was in the room or not. His words rang in my head. Squall was coming. That's probably the worst part about these things, waiting. The anticipation, the pool of time in which you make up silly conversations in your head, wanting it to go just as you expect it to.  
  
So he was coming. I shifted in my seat several times, finally coming to the conclusion that I wasn't going to get comfortable and thus stood up completely. I walked over to the uncannily large window in my office that overlooked all of Esthar. I scanned the streets, flashes of the sun bouncing off at random to capture my eyes and glitter there moments after. The things you gain from simple words.  
  
The Ragnarok flashed across the sky. I jumped - he was early... it should have taken at least three days. I'd called almost two days ago? Must've been close by... eh. Ow. Okay, pain in leg. Leg that is in pain... ah... damn it, stupid cramps...  
  
The guards were looking at me weird. I smiled brightly at them. What?! Everybody limps in circles at SOME point in their life! Yes. Yes they do. I refuse any further commentary.  
  
I rubbed furiously at that spot in my leg and tried to calm down. Now all I could do was wait. I leaned against my desk and glanced about half-heartedly. I didn't have Kiros and Ward to back me up this time. I'd told them to go rest for the day. Of course they understood. I had to do this alone... just me and Squall. He knew I'd want to see him - I'd told him, after all - but I couldn't help wondering if it was too soon. Three months since the death of the sorceress, yet still it hardly seemed enough.  
  
Squall must have refused the escort I'd sent for him because it was a good half hour before he showed up at my door. But when he did? He looked inhumanly serious... I thought that sweet girlfriend of his would have lightened him up a bit. Well, old habits die hard...  
  
"Hey, Mister ...Squall... uh, won't you have a seat?" I offered as he entered the room, grinning nervously as he approached. I glanced over his shoulder to wave the guards off and plopped into the chair facing him. He nodded sternly as thanks, I think, positioning himself so he could lean forward comfortably. He didn't talk for a while, only stared at me. Jeez, that look made me uncomfortable. After a period of silence, I attempted to get right down to business. "So, thanks for coming! I, uh, well, erm, informed you... a while ago... that, well, I need to tell you... stuff... um... would you like some coffee?!"  
  
He shook his head disapprovingly. He continued to scan me with those icy gray eyes of his, thin eyebrows tightly knit, as I stuttered through my sentences, none of them holding any real meaning. And finally, at one point in my rambles and shaky wringing of my hands, he spoke.  
  
"So you're my father."  
  
I stopped immediately and looked at him in shock.  
  
"Sis told me. Before I came."  
  
Elle? She'd offered to tell him before, insisting it would make it easier on me, but... I told her every time that I wanted to. Heh. She was always looking out for me.  
  
Eventually I had to look at him again, as I realized my eyes had strayed. So I did... right in the eyes... and Hyne, his gaze is so unnerving. It's like this broken pane of glass that's been clouded over with dirt and smoke so you can't see in. The feeling you get is so unsettling because you can't see what's waiting for you inside. It's a lot creepier than the eyes of a raging lunatic, let me tell you.  
  
My mouth was gaping. I tried to make use of it. "I..."  
  
"...Tell me about Raine." His expression still unreadable, he continued in his usual monotone. "Please. I want to hear about my mother."  
  
I nodded lightly, sullen. We'd barely spoken for thirty seconds and I was hyperventilating. I started softly. "Raine... Raine was great, I mean... she was beautiful." I smiled, "She would walk in the room and BAM! it was filled with smiles and warm welcomes. She wasn't like look-at-me-I'm-pretty pretty. She was sweet and caring pretty, that girl you look at and know she's got a heart of gold."   
  
I noticed a flicker of something in his cheeks. I couldn't tell if he was aggravated or happy. I chuckled anxiously. "She put up with so much. ...Well, you know that. The others in town, they always warned her against me. She never failed to defend me, but... hah... she treated me like a kid. Not that I never acted like one..."   
  
I stopped again to search for a reaction. He was just *staring* at me. He didn't move at all. I thought he wanted to hear this? I went in a different direction. "After a while I started feeling funny around her. I'd always admired her as a person, but I never really realized that, well, I *loved* her. So I proposed one night, after I had some time to sort things out. I was scared stiff. My hands were clammy and my ears were ringing. I almost walked away, but she stopped me. So... I went for it. She said yes. Oh, Hyne, you have no idea how happy I was! It was like everything was coming together.  
  
"The thing is, though, is our happiness was short-lived. A few months after we were married those soldiers busted in and took Ellone, and of course I had to go after her. We said our goodbyes and I was off, but... she never told me. I ran off on her not knowing... and you know what happened after that. I found Ellone and sent her back. I stayed because of all the things I'd promised... I owed something to the rebel faction, I mean, they'd helped me find Elle! I couldn't go back. I wanted to and thought I could, but I was so busy with my job and all my responsibilities. And then word was sent of what... happened to Raine... and I didn't... I didn't *know*, I promise you, I never knew!"  
  
I started shaking. I was on the brink of tears. I shoved my face into my hands out of frustration. Every time I thought of it, there were so many things I had to fight... I still blame myself. I think I always will...  
  
"It was my fault," I admitted. "I didn't mean for it to happen. I feel so terrible. They were all right... all those people in the village, they'd always tell Raine that I would leave her, that I couldn't be kept in a little town like that. They said I'd run off, and I know she believed them. I honestly never thought I'd be able to, but... I ended up doing just what they said... and she's gone..."   
  
Still, that stare. It almost seemed like he was persecuting me. I can't say I didn't blame him, either. I really wished he'd say something, though. Maybe he was taking time absorbing it.  
  
I kind of stared at him, faltering, hoping he didn't hate me. I didn't want him to hate me, even though I knew he very well should. This wasn't your typical father-son relationship. This was something deeper, something lost and raw and heavy. I was sweating profusely. I wiped furiously at my brow for ages like I was going blind. It never truly occurred to me what this conversation would entail. This conversation, who I was having the conversation with. The magnitude of what it all meant was simply overbearing, and I never caught the meaning until he spoke.  
  
"You're right."  
  
I gazed at him meekly, surprised. "I... I know, I'm-"  
  
"A fuck-up." He leaned back. His eyes were growing even more cloudy. "You spent your entire adult career running about like a complete buffoon. You had a terrible attitude and it's beyond me how you managed to survive a war, of all things, in the first place." At this, he brought his body forward to the tip of the chair, getting closer, and I shrunk back into mine. "Somehow you ended up charming her. Somehow you two were in love. And somehow, Mr. Loire," he hissed my name as if it were poison, "you found a way to leave her. I don't care if you swore your allegiance to the Anti-Adel campaign. I wouldn't *care* if you had sworn an entire starving nation that you could bring them *food*! No matter the situation, your bore a responsibility to your wife and your family! That should have been, unquestionably, *your first priority*!"  
  
His words were vicious, pointed. Squall knew very well what he was doing. He was standing now, towering over my desk. His hands were clenched hard enough on the surface that I heard a small crackle as he went on. "My mother is dead because of you. I never had a FAMILY because of YOU! Because YOU are too damn irresponsible to accept the fact that you owe more to those you love than you do to your goddamned politics! You didn't even want the position, and you let my mother die because YOU might feel a little guilty if you went back to her!" he seethed, teeth clenched. "You did everything she was afraid you'd do because you're so fucking selfish. You betrayed her trust and you betrayed *me*. You're a horrible father, you know that? I went through life without a father! Do you know what that's like? Going through life, thinking that you've done something wrong, that it's YOUR fault you're not like all the other kids?"  
  
I stood to match him. Calmly, of course. But I couldn't take much more. You have to understand... I knew it all already... "Squall," I breathed shakily, "I know what it must have been like-"  
  
"No, you don't!"   
  
I started back at the anger raging in his eyes. I took a step back. I felt weak, and selfish, and all the things I always felt just magnified a thousand times. He hated me... I didn't want him to hate me! It hurt to hear him say those things, it hurt to know that he thought about me the same way I thought about myself. I wanted him to know so many things, that I loved him, that if I could do it all over again I would, but he just kept coming...  
  
"You don't know! You'll never know! Do you know what I thought every time I went somewhere new? What I thought when I visited Balamb, or when I entered Garden? I'd sit there and look at all the people all around me and just *wonder*, 'maybe that's my daddy. Maybe he was mad at me all this time and he was just too angry to come and find me. Maybe he was waiting for me to find *him*, maybe that's *him*, maybe that's HIM!'" He screeched. "MAYBE THAT'S MY FATHER OVER THERE, TOO ASHAMED TO SPEAK TO ME. I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME, WHAT I HAD DONE, BUT I NEVER KNEW! *I NEVER KNEW*! You don't know what that's LIKE! I had all these visions in my head of when I would see you, we'd run into each other's arms and you'd take me home, and we would be a family! I could be normal! And I would sit outside at the orphanage after Sis left, knowing I had no one left. I told myself I would be okay, I tried to make myself believe it, but I never had anyone."  
  
After a moment he quit trying to look tough and collapsed into his chair, merely dropped his head in his hands, raked his fingers through his sweaty hair. I moved to comfort him, then relented. He whispered faintly, voice crackling off, "I had all these hopes and dreams that I knew would never actually come true. I grew up listening to stories from Sis about what a great guy my father was, how heroic and brave he was, and how he'd no doubt come and find me one day soon. I had all these concepts of you in my head. I would get so excited thinking about it... but over the years, those dreams faded and I just felt empty..."  
  
He looked up. His eyes were red-rimmed and glossy with tears. I gasped, ready to cry myself. I sat there... taking it all in. He gazed at me pleadingly, as if I were his only hope. My heart felt heavy, my throat grew sparse, and he somehow looked pathetic behind all those smoky shields. "Why didn't you come find me? Why didn't you search for me through all the lands? I'm your son..."  
  
"Squall... I told you... everything seemed to hold me back, I..."  
  
Tears flowed freely down his cheeks now as his eyes found their way into mine once more. "You could have ignored it all," he croaked. "Why didn't you? Why didn't you love me?"  
  
I stumbled. I caught my balance on the edge of my desk. I stared at him in horror. "No, how could... no, Squall, I did, I *do*!"  
  
"NO!" He cried, "NO! No, you don't! You never did and you have no right to! You had every chance, every right to come and find me! The only reason you're telling me now is because I found *you*, just like I thought I had to! It's convenient for *you*! *Why didn't you come and get me when you had the chance*?!"  
  
"Because I didn't want to!" I yelled. He snapped up in attention, pausing in a way that made him look like a stray puppy who knew its death. Yet... I kept going. I guess I owed it to him. "You symbolized everything that I had done, you would remind me of what I had lost! Yes, I'm selfish, Squall. I'm more selfish than you'll ever know. I wasted every day thinking about you, though, longing to hold you, but I never could because it was too hard. I'm weak and I'm selfish, but I missed you, and I loved you." I paused as I realized myself. "And I never thought of *you*. I sentenced you to a lifetime warpath because I was too afraid. I can't believe I... I didn't want to hurt you, yet I was here all along, being a coward. You suffered because I'm a coward, because I didn't want to do my duty."  
  
I felt the stinging liquid fall. All these feelings, all these thoughts that he'd brewed himself in all his life... I was the reason he was in so much pain. So many things were my fault, and here he was, my son, sobbing helplessly in front of me. Everything was running through my head, the guilt, every drop of pain I'd felt, every pint of remorse. I moved to take him in my arms, but he shoved me away and stumbled across the room. He mumbled something, "No, no, no... you're not my father... I don't want you, please just..." as he fell against the wall. He rubbed at his arms and rocked back and forth, crying softly to himself.  
  
I followed promptly. I attempted once again to touch his arm. He almost broke it with the force he used to push me away. "Squall," I tried desperately.  
  
He caught his voice to scream, "WHY DIDN'T YOU LOVE ME?!"  
  
He shoved himself further into his corner, sobbing loudly. He fought violently to keep me away. "I'm sorry," I screamed, "But I'm here now! I'm here! You have a father, and he loves you more than anything..." At that he seemed to weaken. I caught both of his arms on his sides and hugged him almost viciously. He cried and screamed, I along with him. I rocked him back and forth, whispering that he was all right now into his ear, that he had a family, that he was normal. "I'm sorry, Squall," I whimpered against his struggles as he began to calm down, "I'm sorry..."  
  
He clung to me it seemed for centuries. I held him in my lap and stroked his hair, told him stories about Raine and Ellone. His breathing remained heavy, but his muscles relaxed. He hid his face in my collar bone and all I could think was how happy I was, how good it felt to finally hold my son. I rested my chin on his head. He even began to ask me questions... soft, meek, afraid. I answered them, though... I would answer anything he asked. He was my son, and we were a family. We were together for the first time and nothing would take that away.  
  
We remained in that position, I cradling him, for a long while. Eventually his breath slowed. He didn't resist me at all any longer. I was content to bury my cheek in his hair. To kiss the top of his head. To tell him, once all was said and done, "I love you, Squall."  
  
His weight shifted roughly. He lifted his head slightly, not as feeble, to reply. "...I can't forgive you yet," he rasped, "But if you... if you're serious... I'm willing to give it a chance."  
  
I nodded in consent. Of course I was serious. It would take years to heal the damage, and I was willing to accept that he was still doubtful. It was to be expected. Yes, it would be a long, hard road... but I was certainly willing to give it all I had. I wouldn't let go. I wouldn't screw this up. It was all up in the air, we had the tools we needed. I was ready. After all, he was my son. And after all, I love him.  
  
I hugged him a little tighter.  
  
******************************  
  
I am amazed that I've never found a story like this one. I mean, people tend to assume that Squall just *knows* that Laguna is his dad, and they just assume that he hates him. So I figure, "hey, why not experiment? I SHALL TELL ALL! AHAHAHAHAHAH!" Only less colorful. ^.^ Buuuuuut anyway. Even if Squall knew from the beginning of this fic, you still kinda have to wonder what happened when they first talked about it. Hence... this fic. Heh. I'd like to fix it up one day, make it a little longer, but I probably won't. I'm too lazy, and it's too damn personal really. Don't need to go into that, but anyway, I hope you enjoyed. Meh. Go me and my genius ideas. 


End file.
